No, hell has not frozen over! I'm back already, with an exciting update. About 4 hours ago I received a job offer, which I accepted, to work at a law office! At $15/hr I should have my $80,000 (and rising) student debt paid of in no time!
Grades are back, I ended up in the top 15%. It's not as high as I had hoped, but at least it's still respectable.
Thanks to everyone for all the support!